Exhausted and Uncomfortable

Beyond exhausted. Tomorrow we leave for camp. So today was filled with driving all around town, camp forms and Walmart.

Started by meeting with my wonderful 15 year old friend Michela. I hadn't talked to her in a while so it was beyond great to catch up. She told me all about her freshman year at Rouse High School while I scarfed down Kerby Lane Pancakes. Michela is seriously the most mature 15 year old I know. Spiritually and emotionally. I am blessed to know her. She will do great things for God's kingdom. I just know it. 

Then I did a bunch of exhausting and meaningless tasks before welcoming my roommate Sydni home from Africa. I heard story after story. We laughed and laughed and even cried a little. Truly the highlight of my day. Sydni is my best friend and I love her so deeply. Having not seen her for the past two weeks was difficult. 

Then something happened that really messed up my night and made me realize how much vulnerability goes into narrating my life. I can choose to pour my heart and soul out through my blog or hold back and only share certain memories and emotions. Well I have a real problem with writing down and expressing the exact emotions I feel. I think that is because I hate remembering the bad emotions. When I reread my life I don't want read about times I was upset or angry or hurt. Times when I failed or someone failed me. Those are the memories you don't wish to remember. So instead I choose to write my life from the positive. But by doing that I miss out on a whole part of my life that shapes me into who I am. 

For example during lent this past year I wanted to get into journaling. My roommate Sammie has journals from elementary school. I thought how awesome it would be to have journals of my life. Memories from when I was five, ten, fifteen, and fifty. She inspired me to make journaling everyday my lent goal. It was going quite well and I enjoyed writing to myself and to God. However a couple things happened during my lent season that I wish I could forget. Feelings I never wish to feel again. Even though those events changed me and I learned from them, I still couldn't make myself journal about them. To this day I still haven't journaled about them. I am not sure if I ever will. Though I'm certain I will never forget them, with or without those memories in writing. 

How honest can and should I be? Something happened today that I never will want to remember. It made me feel unwanted and attacked, hurt and angry. Those are feelings I don't feel on a normal basis. And this event I'll probably remember for the rest of my life. But how come I still can't write it out. Maybe I don't need to. Or maybe I do.

However I do know those feelings are not from God. And that these events bring me closer to God. It's because of these emotions I come crawling back to God asking him to take away my pain. Which He does, whole heartedly and with grace. In a way I am thankful. Thankful to learn and grow and experience God's love through the worst. In fact our only option is to pray to the only one who can take the hurt away. He showed me today that I need no one to rely on more than I need to rely on Jesus. As long as I look to Jesus, I will always be loved, wanted, cherished and worthy. You are to you know. Loved, wanted, cherished and worthy by God. If you don't think you are then we need to have a conversation. Here's my number 281-636-6695. 

This definitely turned more into a journal entry instead of a summer blog. That could quite possibly be a good thing. Especially if you were already tired of me talking about my sweet day to day activities. 

With that being said here is today's workout. (400 cal) 

- 10 min interval running

- 5 sets hip abduction and adduction

- 10 min elliptical 

I hope maybe one day I can freely share my emotions to the world. Maybe you can relate to them. Until then I will be praying, asking God for strength and courage.